![]() ![]() It also made the N64 lag, making it slow enough for retards who can't handle the action. And lastly, it completely killed the ability to be anonymous and talk shit over a headset to your fellow players. It made trash talk awkward as the guy calling you a pussy was a couple feet away from you and well within beatdown distance. It made camping impossible as your opponent could look to your screen and know exactly where you were. ![]() Goldeneye was a great murder simulator for its time, as it featured one-hit kills, a decent variety of levels, a shitload of hidden playable characters, and different gameplay settings.īut how did four people play against each other in a first person shooter before the time of Xbox Live? Enter Split Screen, which had the amazing ability to make your pathetic 20 inch TV even more gay by splitting it in half or into four separate screens. The most popular feature of Goldeneye was the multiplayer deathmatch. ![]() In practice you'll just use one in particular because you can't be assed to choose all of them, and the bog-standard KF7 Soviet is functional enough to use in pretty much every situation. There is a large variety of very similar weapons, mostly just automatic SMGs or rifles, with the odd pistol, sniper rifle, shotgun, or explosive weapon thrown in. The guns all have rather lazy reloading animations, consisting of them dipping off the screen and back up, playing a bolt-racking noise. Enjoy your explosive rape.īecause this is a console shooter, it has a horrifically generous aimbot (with the exception of 00 Agent, aka Hard mode, where you actually have to exercise three brain cells to aim yourself), with the ability to aim with an on-screen crosshair if you feel like specifically aiming for a guard's various body parts. Notably, though, enemies can wield pretty much every weapon in the game while 99 percent of the time they'll have a KF7 Soviet (aka an AK-47), they'll sometimes pack various other weaponry, and great fun can be had if the "Enemy Rocket Launchers" cheat is enabled. It was considered revolutionary at release that you could shoot a guard in the dick and he'd grab it for one last fap before he keeled over. Enemy AI is absolutely horrible, as all they do is run around and shoot, but this is counterbalanced by the wide variety of lulzy kill animations for them, based on location. The player walks around through non-linear levels, shooting up guards standing in his way, and completing pointless objectives, of which there are more to do at higher difficulties. And we all know the only good commie is a dead commie, amirite?Īside from the cancerous story, gameplay is pretty average, though adapted to the N64's shitty control scheme. Oh, and aside from killing everyone, you also have to do shit like take pictures, get keys, turn generators on and off, and protect the slow, bullet-magnet of a Bond Girl named Natalya, who is a good Commie. Bond saves the world by going through a linear, non-branching path, killing every idiot AI who tries to stop him. Simply put, a bunch of bad Commies are using the Goldeneye satellite to detonate an EMP on London for lulz and revenge. Remember that in the 90s, Americans cared as much for James Bond as the French cared for bathing, because of the epic fail of the Timothy Dalton films (which purists believe hews closer to the source material than the lulz of the Roger Moore films). Truth is, no one gave a flying fuck about the story in Goldeneye, which sort of follows the plot of the movie that came out two years before the game did. ![]()
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